When We Keep Our Family in Boxes
Just Scribbles
It's easier to keep someone in a box than it is to open it up and see who they've become.
A few weeks ago, I had one of the most honest conversations I've ever had with one of my sisters.
She and I have never quite been able to connect — at least, not in the way I've connected with some of my other siblings. Our lives have been so different that it often feels like we speak entirely different languages.
During our conversation, she mentioned a podcast she had listened to that struck a chord with both of us. The host talked about the way we tend to keep people — especially family — "in boxes."
Not literal boxes, of course. But mental ones. We tuck them away in a version of themselves from years ago, based on the season of life we remember most vividly. Maybe it's who they were in high school, or during those early adult years. We rarely allow them to grow in our minds, because we don't see them in their everyday lives — interacting with their friends, co-workers, or even their own children.
And then, when we do cross paths, it's often during high-stress events — funerals, weddings, graduations — moments when tensions run high and no one is exactly at their best. The result? Our relationships stay stuck. Stuck in misunderstandings. Stuck in hurt feelings. Stuck in outdated opinions based on a version of them that may no longer exist.
When my sister shared this, something in me shifted. I realized how guilty I've been of keeping her in one of those boxes, and how much that's robbed us of the chance to really know each other.
The truth is, it's easier to keep someone in a box than it is to open it up and see who they've become. But easy doesn't lead to connection.
If you recognize this in your own family, I encourage you to try — really try — to see your siblings, cousins, and other relatives for who they are now, not who they were then. Ask questions. Listen to their stories. Be willing to let go of the past version you've been holding onto.
My sister and I are trying. And while it's not an overnight change, it feels like we've at least found a crack in the lid of that box. And that's where connection begins.