Lessons From 55 Years: Watch How They Treat the Waitress

In my 55 years, I have done all kinds of work, at all kinds of levels, and in all kinds of clothes.

I have been a waitress, cashier, bartender, manager, housekeeper, secretary, desk clerk, sales professional, and consultant. I have washed dishes, bussed tables, cleaned toilets, answered phones, managed employees, served customers, made presentations, negotiated contracts, and helped businesses grow.

I have worked in jeans and T-shirts, and I have worked in high heels, suits, and pantyhose.

I have been behind the counter, across the desk, in the back room, and at the head of the table.

The jobs changed. The clothes changed. The responsibilities changed.

My value did not.

Through all of those roles, I have met and served countless people from every walk of life. People with money and people struggling to get by. White-collar professionals and blue-collar workers. People carrying impressive titles and people whose names may never appear on an office door.

There are kind and unkind people in every one of those groups.

Money does not determine character. Neither does education, occupation, clothing, status, or the size of someone's bank account.

But the way a person regularly treats others — especially those serving them — tells you a great deal.

The lesson: if someone seems nice, but regularly treats the waiter or waitress poorly, they are not truly a nice person.

Of course, it may not be a waitress. It may be a cashier, bartender, housekeeper, secretary, desk clerk, receptionist, salesperson, delivery driver, or the person cleaning the bathroom.

Someone can be charming with a friend, generous with a client, flattering toward a person in authority, and still be dismissive or cruel to the person taking their order.

Niceness that only appears when there is something to gain is not kindness.

I also believe there is an important difference between a pattern and a moment.

We all make mistakes. Every single day.

We become tired, overwhelmed, distracted, impatient, worried, or afraid. Sometimes we speak too sharply. Sometimes frustration gets the better of us. Sometimes we lose our cool and immediately wish we could pull the words back.

I have had those moments, too. Lots of them.

We also do not always know what another person is carrying. Someone may be grieving, facing frightening news, worrying about a child, struggling financially, or simply trying to hold themselves together through a very hard day.

I want people to show me grace in my difficult moments, so I try very hard to offer that same grace to others.

One bad moment does not necessarily define a person. What really matters is what happens next.

Do they recognize that they were unkind? Do they apologize?

Do they accept responsibility without blaming the server, the cashier, the long line, the wrong order, or the stressful day? Do they try to repair the harm?

And, most importantly, do they work to handle things differently the next time?

There is a difference between losing your patience and believing it is acceptable to mistreat people.

There is a difference between making a mistake and refusing to own it.

There is a difference between an occasional misstep and a repeated pattern of making others feel small.

Grace leaves room for people to be human. It does not require us to ignore consistent cruelty.

Orders will be wrong. Food will take too long. Lines will move slowly. Appointments will be missed. Employees will make mistakes.

You are allowed to be disappointed. You are allowed to ask questions, express a concern, or request that a problem be corrected.

You can do all of those things without humiliating another human being.

So, after 55 years, this is what I know to be true: we shouldn't judge someone by one difficult moment; however, we should pay close attention to patterns of behavior.